If you have time (and a pushup update)

I’m not much into reading a lot of blogs (heck, I barely have time to write mine), but ever since SpaceAgeSage responded to one of mine with some wisdom, I’ve bop over there to see what a real writer does on a blog.  If you have a few moments, I recommend reading this article of her’s.  (I have no idea if anyone reads my blog, let alone anyone else’s)

http://spaceagesage.wordpress.com/2008/06/03/opening-up-to-possibilities-is-a-big-step-to-making-them-happen/

Oh… yesterday, today and tomorrow are the first three days I’m missing on my quest to the Double Century.  I seem to have developed a painful condition of the right wrist, and I just can’t see me doing one handed pushups without the theme to Rocky playing. 

 

Wow, do I hate pushups!

So, according to my MS Project spreadsheet (GEEK!) I am 35% through my goal (100 pushups for 100 days, the double century).  For those that might be Math challenged, that means I’ve done 100+ pushups for 35 days in a row.  As of early last week, I was enjoying it.  It was challenging and I was making up games with it.  Case in point, when I started out, I would allow myself only whole increments of 10. So if I did 35 pushups, it only counted for 30.  Then I started to push myself a little differently.  Like I would never allow less than 20 pushups.  This wasn’t that challenging unless it was late at night and I already had done 90 pushups, so now I had to do an extra 10.  Currently there was only one day that I only did 100 push ups, I did two sets of 50 back to back with about 2 minutes in-between.  It was what I consider challenging.  I am now up to doing only sets of 40 +.  My shoulders are starting to ache just thinking about doing them.  On the plus side, the consistent pushups have added some mass to my upper body.  Several people have commented that I lost weight.  Of course I haven’t, I’ve actually gained weight, but if your chest and back grow, it makes your waist look smaller.

But that isn’t the point of this exercise… what have I learned from this little ordeal?  First of all, when I started to show improvement in my upper body, I didn’t hate pushups as much.  I didn’t like to do them, but I went through a couple weeks where I did not loath them as much.  Now though, especially since I have to do sets of 40, I’m back to loathing them.  And when I say loathe, I actually mean hate, as in detest. Actually , is there a stronger word?  Detest just doesn’t sound strong enough.  My shoulders have been aching a lot and I have to start my rotator cuff exercises again.  More than that, it takes a considerable amount of will to start my sets now.  I’ve noticed that more times than not, I’ve had to do most of my century at night before bed.  So I’ve come full circle.  The only reason I am doing pushups now is because I am willing myself to do them. 

 

I’ve learned something.  First of all, in physical fitness, it’s important to keep your work out fresh.  It’s also important to keep it consistent.  I’ve made progress in my physique because of consistency.  The problem with my shoulders is because I’m not building up around the consistent exercise.  More to the point of the exercise, though, is the amount of will it takes to do something every day that you hate (loathe, detest, abhor).  It’s an important lesson in life.

 

We have a lot of sayings in the dojo that come from basic Buddhist principles.  One of which is “Happiness is a choice.”  Right now, I’m not loving my job so much.  I’m having a hard time getting up in the morning, and I have to admit, I’m partaking of the IPA at night regularly.  It’s taking a lot of will power just to drive to work.  So, how long before this becomes unbearable (read into this loathe, detest, abhor)? 

 

Happiness is a choice.  I can either decide that this commitment to the double century is good for my spirit and enjoy the process, or I throw it away and make my will power a little weaker.  If I keep loathing the process of doing the pushups every day, then I’m going to be sucking a bit of will power every day.  Eventually this makes us stronger, but I have to think that it can also make you sore, like working out the same body part every day without rest.  Your body breaks down.  Does your WILL break down the same way?  By “not loving my job so much” am I also making my “will muscle” sore?  Happiness is a choice.  Can I come to grips with this and start loving the PROCESS of my employment?  I really don’t know, I have to work on it, but right this moment, I have to do some pushups.  C-ya!

 

 

The Lesson of the Globe

As the story goes…

 

A teenager was going through a rebellious atheistic “phase.”  He didn’t like that his dad was shoving religion down his throat and he was very vocal about it.  Finally, the teenager came to his father, “prove to me that God is the center of the universe!” he said sarcastically.  His father pondered this for a while; his son was used to him spending a lot of time thinking before he responded.  Then his father stood up and walked into the study and stood by a large globe that the family had.  He looked at his son and said, “show me where the center of the world is.”  His son walked up to the globe and put his finger on the north pole and said “about a foot under my finger.” (It was a really large globe.)  His father tilted his head and said “no that’s the center of the globe, not the world.”  He went on to explain.

 

“I can’t answer why I feel that ‘God is the center of the universe’.  I know you were being sarcastic, but it’s an interesting turn of phrase.  You looked at this globe and found the center of the world, but actually just found the center of the globe because that’s what you could easily perceive.  You look at the world and the universe the same way.  Only the stuff you can see, feel touch and smell are perceived.  You miss the wonder of it all:  the beauty and the balance.  God isn’t the center of the universe, she is the universe.  You perceive only a small part of the universe from where you are standing and only understand a portion of that.  The center of the world is miles beneath you and the question can be answered in many ways, do you want center of mass of the world, well that’s always shifting.  Maybe you want the center of the atmosphere pressure.  Depending on what you define as the center, it will change the answer.  Different people perceive God in different ways, some probably incorrect, but at least they look at life from a perspective of the depth of what we can’t perceive.”

 

“That’s just a cowardly answer.  You’re afraid of death and your life being meaningless so you make up mythology to protect you.  It’s just like the ancient Greeks making the gods.”

 

“Actually, the ancient Greeks used poetry and prose and story telling to define their universe.  It was quite creative and beautiful.  They perceived that there was more to the world than what they could touch and feel and created a mythology to explain it.  I’m not saying that we should believe in the ancient Greek gods, but at least they understood that the world is more than they understand.”

 

“Well yes, but science is explaining everything!” The boy responded.

 

“Yes, science has made great leaps in explaining phenomena.  You said that faith is cowardly.  I disagree.  Although I agree that it is sometimes used as a buffer to the fear, it is also very heroic.  To have faith, you must believe that there are lessons to perceive in the events of your life.  You want to be in control of your life, but you aren’t.  Circumstances, genetics, and many other things affect your nature.  The beautiful thing is that you can overcome almost anything if you commit your whole being behind it.  You can triumph over anything.  I believe that’s the meaning behind the world.  I can’t tell you why it is, nor prove it as an absolute fact.  I can tell you that it explains why we struggle.  It also explains the heights and depths of humanity.  You are capable of great things.  You reach for the stars, but what good is it?  Faith is the reason we strive for better.  Faith gives us a belief that our fellow man is worth struggling for.  Challenge your faith son, but don’t give up on there being more to the world than you perceive, or you might one day find that what you perceive of the world, is just a plastic imitation.”

 

In my humble opinion there are two lessons to learn.  The first lesson you must learn is that there is more to the universe than just me.  This must be learned early in life.  The second lesson you must learn is the last lesson learned in life, that there is only me, and all things are me.

 

 

I Hate Pushups!

 

Yes I hate pushups.  And to paraphrase Dickens, it is important to note that I hate pushups; this must be distinctly understood or nothing wonderful can come of this essay.  I have made a decision that I am going to do 100 pushups a day for 100 days.  For those of you who don’t know how to use MSProject to figure it out, 100 days is from April 28^th (I started yesterday) to August 5^th.  Sifu talks about making goals often and always says you should put an expiration date on any goal.  I think he got that from AA.  It’s virtually impossible to make a commitment forever.  It is daunting to face that.  So instead you make a commitment for one year and work to meet that commitment.

 

So if I hate pushups so much, why am I doing this?  What part of my life change is this addressing?  Most people would think it works to a fitness goal.  It’s not.  Granted, my brother, who I respect fitness-wise, once said the only thing you need to do to get in shape is sit-ups and pushups.  I doubt he still thinks that, but it’s probably not far from correct.  Still, this isn’t about getting in shape; this is about directing my mind to do something and carrying through (be accountable).  While I think this will help me get healthier, I think of it as it will help me be a better husband, father, and martial artist.  A better husband and father, because having the will and time management skills to carry through with a 100 day commitment is essential to being a good husband and father.  My friend Murphy does scouts with his kid.  He makes time for this commitment.  I can’t see me doing that at this point in my life.  I’m too selfish for my own desires (like going to Kung Fu classes or having a beer after work).  Have I mentioned that I hate doing pushups?  If this was, “I’m going to eat chocolate every day for 100 days” I think I could handle it without any sacrifice on my part.  As it is, this is going to be a challenge.  I’m going away with my wife this weekend.  Can I still do the 100 pushups while I’m away? Can I do it without disturbing my wife?

Development of will is something that I hope to teach my son.  I think it’s very important.  I also think it’s impossible to teach someone else about will if you don’t have a strong will.  You can’t say, do as I say and not as I do.  So, here I go doing something I really don’t like, for no reason that has meaning other than I said I would.

 

Will I succeed?  I doubt it.  I really do.  My wife, son and I are going away this summer for a week.  That will be a huge challenge.  Just getting to the summer without missing a day is going to be difficult.  What do I do when I screw up?  I think I brought this up before, when you fall down, you get up.   As soon as I get up, I have to tack that day to the back of the August 5^th date.  I expect that I will fall down a lot.  Any injury could set me back days.  So what will hold me to this? 

 

Accountability is a key ingredient of this blog.  I really doubt anyone is reading it regularly other than Murphy… Of course, I see Murphy in the gym about once or twice a week.  I have a feeling he’s going to bring the “Double Century” up.  I also have a feeling I’m going to have to write about my progress in the task, not to mention roadblocks that come up.  So, what is the end result of this type of accountability?  Not much actually.  The real accountability is me getting up in the morning and seeing my son.  I want him to think of his dad as a strong person.  Someone who does what he says.  Someone who is worthwhile and who’s word means something.  So, while he’s still too young to know the difference, I’m practicing what I want to perform.

 

The Three Types of Change

Bare with me, this is a work in process.  There are three types of change.  The three types are Internal Change, Environment Change, and Time.  Environment change is the easiest one to describe.  It’s the change that occurs outside your soul.  So when I say I want to lose 20 lbs (by the way, thanks to the stomach flu, I’m down to about 188 lbs, yea me), that’s really an environment change.  My body is the environment that surrounds me.  But there is also outside my body environment.  Spring is a time for reflection for me; (not to mention hormones due to the shorter skirts, hubba hubba) it’s also a time for allergies.  I’m affected by the spiritual connection with spring, new life and therefore new possibilities but I’m also connected physically to my environment by the effect that it has to my body, which is another part of my environment.

 

So my environment around me I have some control over.  For instance, I discussed that during my 48 hour fast, my allergies go away to a point.  I cannot control the coming of spring and the pollen, but with proper diet I might be able to eliminate some of the symptoms.  More importantly, with the proper mind set, the symptoms of my allergies might not bother me as much as they do.  That’s the internal work.  In my humble opinion, internal change MUST PRECEDE ENVIROMENTAL CHANGE! 

 

Wow, that’s a powerful statement; I even capitalized it.  What does it mean?  We don’t do it very well anymore.  A long time ago, the beginning of spring was celebrated with rites and festivals.  I still do, generally by having a Cinco de Mayo party.  There was time taken to change the internal to prepare for the external change.  Back before the human being started believing that it could understand everything about the environment we live in, we celebrated nature and the universe in a more child like manner.  We had awe.  More importantly to this essay, I believe that celebration allowed us an opportunity to prepare internally for elements of our environment that were out of our control.

 

You cannot always control environment change, but you have the responsibility (as a martial artist) to control internal change.  Let’s say, for a moment, that you buy into my idea that change to the body is environment change.  You might question the statement about controlling environment change.  Let’s say I want to lose 20 lbs (did I mention that I’m below 190 lbs now?), I have some control over that; I can work out more and eat less.  Now let’s look at it from my friend Anthony’s perspective.  He lost about 50 lbs in a handful of weeks.  Unfortunately it put a 5’ 10” formerly muscular young man down to about 130 lbs.  Anthony had a thyroid issue.  The lost was startling when I saw him during Christmas two years ago.  He had little control and the medical community had to intercede and kill off his thyroid to protect him.  Anthony was my mentor in weight lifting, so it was hard seeing him that thin and unhealthy, but it was an example of not always being able to control your body.  A simpler example is injury.  I hesitate to bring that up, because my boss is a big believer in there are no unpreventable accidents.  Still, stuff happens right? 

 

Internal change is the important thing.  Preceding environment changes with internal change is the only way to make permanent changes in your life.  Again, I go back to weight loss.  I can lose 20 lbs, but until I turn my internal understanding of ME to that smaller weight, I haven’t lost it.  Lost you right?  I have a belief that eating disorders start this way.  The person doesn’t change their mental image of themselves, so they constantly see every meal as something that packs weight on them.  I can make this easier to understand too, until you make the mental changes to accept a healthier life style of eating less and better, and working out, you haven’t lost your 20 lbs, you’ve just set it down for a few months or years waiting to be picked back up.  Part of accepting the responsibility of being a martial artist means to take control of internal change.  The phrase “time heals all wounds” is not true.  If left uncontrolled, no wound is healed.  Recognition of the necessity of internal change and a conscious shaping of that change is a key to healing any wound… especially if you don’t want a mental scar.

 

I like the concept of changing around my internal understanding of ME.  Recognizing the ego/destruction of the ego.  Until you can look at yourself as you truly are now at this moment, you can not make internal change.  It’s akin to: how can you find your destination if you don’t know where you are?  I’ll talk about this some more another day, but I can give you a thousand examples of why internal change must happen before environment change.  The challenge is: are you prepared for environment change?  When you don’t see that injury coming, can you internally prepare for it?  My Sifu talked about this a long time ago in perhaps my favorite discussion: the universe (God) as the ultimate partner not opponent.  Basically the crux of the talk: you are sparring with God.  You have a choice of treating God as either an opponent or as a partner, but no matter how you perceive it, God is always the perfect partner.  That’s where faith comes in.  Can you look at the universe and accept that whatever environment changes come along and accept that there is a lesson to be learned; A LESSON THAT IS BEING TAUGHT!

 

Those are big concepts, and only two of the three types of change.  The third is time.  That nature of time is a physicist’s dream.  Since I only have a BS in it (ha ha), I don’t think I’ll try and tackle it in that manner.  Time is entropy.  Entropy is the nature of the universe that we live in to trend to disorder. And any good chaos theory proponent will tell you that eventually disorder is order.  Blah blah blah.  What does it mean to the three types of change?  Time happens.  You can try to be healthy; in fact, I believe to be a good partner with the universe you need to live healthier (which is what I’m trying to do).  Still you age; you are not the same person you were a minute ago.  Again, you have a responsibility to change internally to prepare for this.  I read an article in “The Best Life” (April 2008 “The Science: Riding the Storm”) talking about the researchers are seeing that the decline in athletic ability isn’t due to age, it’s due to the decrease in training.  The decrease in training is due to the social pressures that increase as you get older and the eventual “aww, I’m too old for this crap” mentality.  So if you train at a superior level, you can perform at a superior level (practice what you want to perform).  This does not mean you do not age.  There is environment change that comes with time, but more importantly there is internal growth that goes along with time.  If you choose to ignore that growth, you will inevitably lose that opportunity.  It has nothing to do with loss of performance; it has to do with growth. My belief is if you don’t accept that you are getting older, you miss the richness of your life and possibly stunt your spiritual growth.  But that’s just my humble opinion.

 

Denial isn’t a river in Egypt

So let’s talk about self-denial.  Not as in trying to make believe you don’t have problems, but actually denying yourself something.  Actually let’s back up.  Wednesday night (today is Friday in case I don’t post right away) JD, the Murph-Meister and I went to a church men’s club lecture.  At a bar.  Don’t look at me that way…

 

So the talk was about “the Marital Embrace” that’s Catholic double talk for sex in case you can’t figure it out.  The lecturer was an OB/GYN and pretty much sucked.  Granted, that’s strong language but I don’t want you to think that this is going to be about his talk.  JD and I had a long conversation afterwards about various things, but he didn’t enjoy the lecture too much either.  He was upset that they always make it seem like men really hound their wives for sex.  I have to admit, I wasn’t too excited about how he gave examples of how men can self-master their baser instincts.  Let’s do a word association came Camel to Water as TigerJ to s _ _. Can’t get it?  Well how about I give you the last letter is X.  Still can’t get it, want to buy a vowel?  No there is no I.  No there is no A!  Sheesh! you are bad at this.

 

Anyway, let’s just say I’ve gone 2+ years without more than a hug and a kiss.  Anyway, it got me thinking though.  I’ve given up alcohol for months at a time.  I’ve given up a different type of “self-mastery” for several months.  I am no stranger to self-denial.  Still, I always have trouble with fasting.  When I was in high school I would regularly go 24 hours without food.  I used to call it a cleanse time.  Recently though, I’ve been having a really hard time even going 24 hours.  My Lenten fast this year and last wasn’t up to snuff.  To be honest, when it comes to denying me, I have a hard time even passing by a donut at work when I’ve had breakfast.  

 

So, driving home Wednesday night, stuffed with appetizers, I resigned myself not to eat for 48 hours.  It’s really easy to decide on a fast when you are stuffed by the way.  Now I will qualify this.  I’ve had my morning Metamucil (don’t look at me like that, it’s good for you).  I also picked up some cranberry juice and some papaya purée (say that ten times quick).  I mix that with some water and take a little cinnamon extract to make sure my sugar doesn’t go all crazy.  

 

So I am now on hour 34 of my 48 hour fast.  I worked out yesterday and today.  I probably won’t break my fast until Saturday morning (my wife doesn’t like this, so I might cave in and eat dinner with her, which would make it a 45 hour fast, but I’ll try to convince her of the need).  I actually feel pretty good.  I’m hungry but some interesting things happen during my fast.  First of all, I want you to know that I’m not a stranger to fasting for longer than 24 hours.  I did 75 hour fast (it was supposed to be 72 hours, but my mom had dinner late) in honor of my brother who was in the Peace Corps.  I’ve done 60+ hours many times before.  Recently though, this is my longest fast.  Funny enough, at around 48 hours, things happen. First off, my allergies disappear.  Also, my energy levels even out.  Right now, my energy is pretty good, and I didn’t take my Alegra yesterday, but my allergies are under control.  That probably should tell me a lot.  Probably, it means that my toxin levels in my body are higher than they should be.  Probably, it means that I have sensitivity to certain foods.  Probably it means I should try one of the elimination diets.  Here’s the kicker, re-read the beginning of this entry.  I suck at self-control when it comes to what I put into my mouth.  So, maybe going to that lecture wasn’t a bad idea (actually it wasn’t, I got to hang out with good friends that I don’t see too often).  I was hoping that it would help me be a better husband, which is another goal, but instead, it might have brought to light a serious issue I have with self control.

 

Of course, the 48 hours ain’t up yet.

 

Re-Committed

 

Fall down 7 get up eight.  It’s a common saying at the dojo and probably it’s a requirement as a Christian.  Doesn’t mean I’m good at it.  I’ve realized I haven’t been doing very well on my objectives.  I’ve been pretty down in the mouth which means that my mouth has been open and eating.  My weight has stayed pretty steady at 193 – 195.  Now it’s time to get it down.   My wife has been talking about removing extraneous sugar from my diet (except for beer of course).  I still eat too much bread, but I’m eating Sprouted bread mostly.  My over all life (and other targets) well…

It’s a hard time in my life right now.  I would say work sucks, but at least I have a job (for now).  Home life is a little challenging since my boy has officially reached the terrible twos and we are trying to have another one.  Plus, I think I’m still sick.  It’s hard to tell. I know I have a bit of depression in me, and I’m pretty sure it is probably related to lack of real sun (comes from the days of beach volleyball).  So this is a time I have to watch. 

 

So it’s back at it my over all goals:

I want to be healthier

I want to have less pain

I want to be a better husband

I want to be a better father

I want to be a better martial artist

 

Ok… fell down.  Get up.

 

 

Living each second as if it were your last one

So I was listening to this song, I hate to admit it but I can’t remember who it was.  There was a line in the song that deeply disturbed me.  She (was it Jordon Sparks?) sang “live each second as if it was my last one.”  I’ve heard of “Carpe Diem” and “live each day as if it were your last.”  If you were to live each second as if it were your last, you would ruin your life.   I think it’s possible to plan your life as if you could die tomorrow, but you should live each moment as if you were immortal.

 

Let me be clear, I am not good at this, but I have advice.  Do as I say, not as I do.

 

(FYI: it was Jordon Sparks in “Tattoo” XM Radio Rocks.)

 

It’s a fine line between when you die and when you are immortal.  In my humble opinion, you are immortal when you live in the moment.  That is the only immortality you get.  Each second is precious when spent with someone you love… or anyone for that matter.  I’ve always wanted to ask a stranger, “what’s your one story.”  You know what I mean right?  Your one story is that story you tell to all of your friends a hundred times.  It’s that one perfect moment you had, or missed.  It’s that one defining moment where you made the wrong decision and blew it.  We all have that story.  Most of us have more than one.  My point is if you could spend 5 minutes really listening to a stranger tell his or her defining moment, TRULY LISTENING, totally in the moment, you are immortal for 5 minutes.  Most of us spend the moments we have in the past or in the future and in our own heads.  I think about how precious it would be to learn of another’s past and to give them that moment of immortality as well.  That would really be something.

 

Speaking of immortality, my Sifu always says the following line (and he’s said it enough it stuck): It’s funny how many people who are searching for everlasting life, can’t figure out what to do next Saturday.

 

I heard some one say that meditating is listening to God.  I disagree; I think prayer should be listening to God; your life’s actions should be talking to God.  Meditation should be sitting comfortably in the same room with God quiet in His (or Her) presence.  God should be like a good friend who can just come over and spend time with you without inventing something to do.  Still, meditation isn’t spending moments in past or future, it is being in the moment.  So you are immortal at this time too.  Of course with meditation, you have to live with the company and I think a lot of people have a hard time with that.

 

Anyway, my point is, if you want to plan your day as if it was your last on the planet, awesome.  But when it comes to the tick tick tick of the clock, the moments you spend with your wife, parent, girlfriend, friend, or even yourself, live that moment as if you are immortal.  Treasure it as if it was the only second you have.  Savor it as if it was a delicious feast, then move to the next moment and do the same, never rushing to the next moment.  Welcome to immortality.

    

 

OWWWW – The Green Sash Test Described

Owww or ouch are probably the best ways to describe last Saturday.  I tested for green sash, and to give away the ending of the story, I passed.  As the old joke goes, “what do you call a guy who finished last in medical school?”  The answer is, of course, “Doctor”.

 

Let’s start out with Thursday.  At my dojo, senior level tests are done in two parts.  The first is meditation.  For Green Sash, the meditation time is 1 hour.  It goes up by half hour increments after that.  You have to sit absolutely still for 1 hour.  It’s mostly done on the honor system, because what the heck, if you are going to lie about something, you would sure as heck argue a decision as well.  So I sat absolutely still except for breathing and swallowing for one hour.  On top of this already being hard, I had a cold as well.  I actually was going to write an entry about how I was ready last Monday.  I felt pretty good Monday morning, and even though I still had some memorization issues, I was pretty sure I would pass the test.  By Monday afternoon I felt like CRAP!  It’s just a cold, although now I think it’s moved into upper respiratory infection territory.  Anyway, try to sit absolutely still while your nose is running and you can’t get a decent breath.  I did it, although I didn’t go very deep into meditation.  I still have a long way to go on that front.

 

So, onto Saturday:  The test started at 2:00 PM and I left the dojo about 7:00 PM.  With about 20 minutes of talking with people after the test.  It started with our own combinations.  The combinations consisted of one block and four counters. This doesn’t sound so hard, but it is nerve racking.  During my second yellow, Sifu got on someone because they forgot their own combination.  You don’t want to do that.  So I was nervous, because I only came up with the combinations a couple weeks before and I did not practice them much.  I did pretty well though.

The next part was forms.  Funny story first though.  We got to get a drink of water after the combinations… I really needed it to blow my nose.  I was in the front row, mostly because when he told us to line up, everyone took a step backwards except for me.  It would have been funny in an Abbott and Costello movie.  So I was up front, coughing and my nose running.  Sifu says “you still sick?”  I say “Yes sir.”  He says, “Kenny and you switch positions”.  Everyone laughed and he did say no offense but he didn’t want to get sick.  I can appreciate that; I don’t want to be sick.

 

Ok, to be honest, I don’t remember much about form.  I did my best, but I was really split concentrating between breathing (which was hard) and keeping my balance (which is highly linked to how you breathe, I never realized that).  I generally practice forms at the gym in the morning with shoes on.  It’s a lot harder on tatami, especially when you can’t breathe properly.  Anyway, I think we did it about 10 times each way.  This means, first form, first form mirror image, second form, and second form mirror images, for a total of 40 forms.  This might seem like a lot, but the last test, we did 30 + times each way.  Of course, I only had first form then, but it was still 60+ forms.  Plus he had us go back and do form a few times so he could review some people’s stuff.  Needless to say, I’m glad he didn’t go back again.  I was dying by the end.  He called a 3 minute break for drink.  I went into the changing chamber and guzzled most of 1 liter of water/Gatorade.  I think this is when I uttered my now famous phrase “he didn’t look pleased.”  When I got back to sitting position, he called one of the guys testing with us out to his office.  I figured the guy wasn’t going to come back.  I also figured that Sifu might call another person or two in to chat, at least one of these people being me.  I can do form really well, but I don’t think I put my best foot forward. 

 

So one down, and he comes back and starts the next stage of the test; the guy in question sits off to the side and watches the rest of the test.  Chin nah (basically joint lock/manipulation).  I’ve practiced this a lot, but again I always blank on one of the techniques.  I got through it, I won’t say I did incredibly well, but I did better than Sifu expected.  He commented about 10 times about how well I was doing.  I still screwed up a couple of techniques that I really shouldn’t have screwed up.  Like I said, I did well enough to pass.

 

Next bag work.   After about 40 minutes of being thrown down by my partner, then standing up and performing technique, then getting thrown down again, I was glad to have a bag that didn’t hit back.  You cannot imagine how hard it is to stand up repeatedly when you are as exhausted as I was.  So, he said, “you are going to hit the bags with the techniques I call out as hard as you can.  Do not hold back, we won’t be doing many, as long as you hit hard.”  I hit hard.  I hit VERY hard.  We didn’t do many, and he only used one set of the bags the senior students brought out. So I assume that everyone hit VERY hard to avoid us doing more.  I assume it wasn’t because we sucked so bad that he didn’t want to see any more.  I should digress a little bit.  By this time, I was sucking wind.  I was so tired I could barely stand.  My cold combined with the utter physicality of the test made every breath a life or death situation.  You might think I’m exaggerating, but it didn’t feel that way.  Also, by this time, I was the only one testing.  During forms I was aware that there were people around me.  During Chin Nah I was aware that there was at least one person testing with me, because I was thrown into her and the back of my head hit her knee.  By the time we were hitting the bags, I didn’t have any clue who was next to me testing.

 

The next part was a modified side step drill which included “Throw’em out”.  Basically, our partners, the senior students, have mitts on, and they throw punches at you.  Sifu would call out a technique, and along with side stepping punches you were supposed to throw the technique when ever you had an opening.  After about 15 minutes of this, we went into throw’em out, where instead of calling out techniques, he just screams out “Throw ‘em out” and you have to use some technique to make them fall.  After a little while, he wanted us to mount them as well.  I was able to do this pretty well too, and Sifu even commented about how well I was doing.  Then my hip muscle decided to freeze up.  This spawned a front roll that unfortunately got noticed by Ms. Donahue.  So, of my test, the only thing anyone will ever remember is I did a front roll off a partner because I couldn’t figure out any other way off of him.

 

This was a challenging drill especially since it went on for about 40 minutes at high intensity.  I survived it.  That’s about all I can say.  The next part though, was the killer.  Sparring.  My biggest fear.  ARRRRRRGGGGGG

 

Like I said, I hit pretty hard, but I don’t hit very fast and I telegraph. This is not a good combination for sparring.  So 9 (yep, a record number of senior students volunteered for the blood letting) senior students lined up with full gear, including 20 oz gloves, head and mouth gear, shin guards and foot protection.  We had our full gear, except I lost my $50 mouth guard and had to use the one I got at the sporting goods counter.  The good one probably wouldn’t help that much, but I can’t breath at all through the darned thing.  I was the third person called.  When I got up there, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  I won’t bring up the details.  I got my butt kicked.  By everyone.  Including one girl.  I got knocked down some where between 2 and 7 times.  I remember clearly 2 falls, but I think there were more.  I remember not being able to hit Ms. Allison, because I just can’t hit girls.  I remember Jeremiah trying to hit me with a crescent kick, catching it on my shoulder and driving him into the ground.  I remember not knowing what to do then because I suck at grappling and not being able to breathe is a bad thing when you are on the ground with someone on you. 

So the last few people were up, Sifu says to me “LOOK AT ME.”  I do, although I thought I already was, but I was a little punch drunk at this time. “THE GOAL IS NOT TO SURVIVE.  IT IS TO HIT HIM.”  I nodded. “SAY IT”.  “The goal is to hit him.”  “DO YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO GET HIT?”  “uh… probably yes sir”.  Everyone laughed.  I was being serious.  Everything on the test stacks against you.  You are exhausted.  Your partner isn’t.  You have 9 partners lined up.  You the testie stand alone.  So, yes I think he wants us to get the snot kicked out of us; I think he wants us to know we can still stand up long after we thought we were broken.  Still, I guess it was a trick question because he laughed and slapped me on the shoulder and said that he didn’t.  Anyway, my last few partners punched me for a while.  For the last partner, I asked to blow my nose because by this time, I couldn’t breathe at all.  So I took out my mouth piece and Sifu grabbed it, then made a big fuss about how he had to go wash his hand and how he couldn’t believe that I handed it to him.  It wasn’t until later I realized he let me catch my breath while making the big deal.  So my last partner to spar was Dan.  Dan is one of the nicest people on the face of the planet, and he’s not very physically intimidating.  Still, he’s a lot better at sparring than me, and he’s faster.  I don’t remember much of the fight.  I do remember that the last blow was a spinning hammer fist that I don’t remember why I threw it.  I did realize it connected, but I couldn’t see much by that time.  Sifu called out to stop immediately.  At this point, it was mostly like trying to make sense out of the worst night of drinking you’ve ever had.  So, my last punch connected with Dan… unfortunately it connected right inside of his head gear.  I basically hit his nose.  Sifu called the fight.  It was over I got to sit down.  Joel stood up and gave me a hug saying that I did great.  I thought I did horrible, but I hit my partners.  I got up when I fell down.  And even did a couple of things that surprised me.

 

The only green sash test I saw, he had them go back and do form, so I was thinking, “God, please let it end.”  Well, either He intervened or Sifu was satisfied, so he told us to go get a drink, and our papers.  The paper topic was “What does being a senior student mean to me?” or in some cases “what is the role of a senior student?”  I guess it depends on when he talked to you.  I will post my paper on this as well.

 

The long and the short of it is, I survived the test.  I felt that I did pretty well, although I wish I had done better on the forms.  Over all, I am proud of my achievement.   Sifu said some very nice things to all of us before the presentation of the belts.  When he got to me, he referenced my paper a couple of times.  One thing that he referenced stood out.  He said: “You’re right.  You do blend in the back ground; you are pretty vanilla.  But you did well on this test.  Anyone can be a terrific athlete come in and perform some of the stuff that you did after a few years of training.  But as the ‘average Joe’ you came in and you did really well… and that is really something.”

 

Yep.  It really was something.

 

Green Sash Paper

I am a fraud 

When I thought about how to respond to Sifu’s topic of “What does being a senior student mean to me”, I came up with what I assume to be the normal responses.  It means being an example, being responsible for my actions and how they influence others in the dojo. Possibly the most important thought that went through my head was “who am I supposed to be an example to”. 

 

I have attended a few yellow sash tests and a few second yellow sash tests.  I have heard probably 50 or so papers that have touched me deeply.  The practice, OUR practice, has affected people’s lives in significant and in some cases extraordinary ways.  A recent test talked about a person overcoming, or at least facing, panic attacks.  Another talked about dealing with addiction.  Almost all of them talk about a fundamental change in their lives. 

 

So if I need to be an example, shouldn’t I also be an example of all the good changes that people have made?  I’m not.  As I said, I’m a fraud.  I have not made great strides in my life and due to my practice, I’ve examined this quite a bit.  If you don’t mind, I’ll bring up some examples.

 

Physically, I wanted to lose a lot of weight before the test.  Actually, almost all of my life, I wanted to lose a lot of weight.  Struggling with weight isn’t just a “fashion statement”, it’s important due to other health issues, yet it’s something I have a hard time with.  Well, I started prepping for green sash last year about October, despite all this time, I’ve only lost 10 lbs of the 25+ that I wanted to lose.  Ok, 10 lbs isn’t bad, and obviously since I’m reading this, I must have survived the test, so I made some improvement, but I did not accomplish my goal.

 

Also to the physical aspect of things, I want to be able to be more powerful in class.  Increase my endurance so that I can practice longer.  My measurement for this is my in class performance.  This also has fallen short.  It seems that I’m even going backwards.  In the past few weeks, I’ve been attending beginner classes and intermediate classes so that I could increase my endurance.  The funny thing is, I notice I’m having trouble with the beginner classes.  By the end of the kihon section, I’m nearly broken.  I’m completely exhausted and making it through the intermediate class upright is virtually impossible.

 

How about with the ultimate goal of bringing practice into my day to day life?  I have a stressful job, like everyone else.  I work in automotive safety so I deal with lives. I’m also am a manager of people, so I deal with lives and attitudes.  I also have anger issues.  So as part of practice affecting my day to day life, I need to be a better partner.  So have I been?  Every day at least once, I lose my temper.  Only about half the days I catch myself before I raise my voice.  I don’t see this as being a good partner.  Of course, I guess I have improved some since only about a year ago, I think I enjoyed losing my temper.  And only in the last few months have I often controlled my temper when I knew something was going to be frustrating beforehand.  And to be fair, the past 5 months have been some of the craziest, busiest and stressful times I have ever experienced in my professional career. Still, my measuring stick is losing my temper and I still do that.

 

Bringing the practice into my family life is very important.  Having a toddler teaches you how precious each second is.  I have missed many of those seconds.  Not just because of other events, but even the time I was with him, sometimes I wouldn’t notice how precious he is.  A toddler is the most indestructible force on the face of the planet, but they are so temporary it’s easy to miss the look of joy on his face while at play, or the sadness when he’s sick.  In a few months, these cherished memories will be the thing that stands between me and the utter frustration of potty training.  Still I missed a lot of it.  Recently, I’ve been noticing how much I miss.  Recently, it’s been bothering me.

 

So, as practice often leads us to do, I have been examining myself closely and critically.  I am far from perfect.  Perfection is not a place, it’s a path.  I get frustrated looking closely at my goals and how far I am to achieving them.  Then, as I’m in the middle of framing this paper, Sifu has two talks, one at the end of a class, and one at meditation.  During both talks, he mentions the specific word “Fraud”.  I had to smile, I really doubt that Sifu can hack into my computer and steal the topic of my talk, so he must be hacking into my mind, which probably means a lot of people have the same issue.

 

In my mind, being a senior student is leading by example.  Every class and every moment of life, a senior student chooses his best option with the thought of how he is viewed by others.  I don’t mean this as “being afraid of what people might think”, but as “is this providing an example of how other’s should behave.”  Or at very least, don’t be a hypocrite.  I have jokingly told fellow students working with me “do as I say, not as I do” when I can’t follow my own advice in chin nah.  During class, you have a sash around your waist that tells people what your rank is; in life, it’s not so easy, but for some reason, people still know. 

 

So again, I look at all the people who have had amazing life changes due to practice.  How can I be an example for these people?  How can I lead through example?  I look at all my self -examination and find a common element.  I have been moving forward.  In most cases, it’s baby steps.  Like a baby just starting to find his feet under him, I’ve moved forward in small, timid and sometimes shaky steps.  My physical weight did not come down as fast as I would have liked, but if I appraise objectively, my body has changed for the better.  Perhaps, my fatigue in beginner class is because I have been trying harder to throw smoke as Sifu calls it.  Failing, but coming closer.  My anger issues at work, while still present have gotten better and have actually caused several people to comment that I’m more in control.  My family life isn’t perfect; I don’t share enough time with my son.  I do recognize the issue and have become mindful of its sources.  I’ve even been trying to observe him more and I have loved every second of it.

 

I am not a great example of the change this Dojo has made in people, but I’ve often said I’m a very average person.  Average Joe, get it?  A high school friend told me, I have a tendency to blend into my surroundings.  So I’m not going to be a shining example of “see what the dojo can do for you” with the asterisk that says “actual results vary.”  Maybe I can be an example for the ones that don’t see the amazing gains.  Maybe, I can be an example for the ones that made the great gains and are now stuck in the plateau.  Just make the little steps.

 

One final comment on being a senior student, it doesn’t happen by putting on a green sash.  I remember two of the worst classes I’ve ever had.  It was the first day I practiced after my yellow sash test and the first day I practiced after my second yellow sash test.  I expect to have a third worst day coming up soon.  You get through your test, and you expect to be better.  Unfortunately, that isn’t the way it works.  You get through your test, you put on a new sash, then you go into class and find out you are the same person who was wearing the old sash the week before.  For some reason, this disappoints you.  It sounds silly; we should know better.  I was surprised when it happened after my second yellow class, because I even recognized the issue.  If you ask me what being a senior student means to me, I’ll answer you with two words.  Little steps.  Just keep making little steps.