Well, I started this digital diary on December 20th 2007. So this is the big check in. I haven’t decided whether I’m going to keep it running or not. It’s been useful for some venting of ideas, but I haven’t had a lot of time recently to write in it. The “Diary of Change” was a name I gave it on a whim. I find it funny how later on in 2008, Barack Obama would use “Change” as his mantra for election. I wonder how many people found my Diary while “Googling” Obama.
A change will do you good –
I needed change. I still do, but I didn’t realize how much I would need it. I don’t want to air all my year on the internet, but suffice to say, it’s been a real bummer. My wife has had some severe health problems. We have had several emotional traumas, and let’s face facts, the economic environment has not done much to eased my mind recently. So how have I done with my “change”, let us start with the mission statement:
- I want to be healthier
- I want to have less pain
- I want to be a better husband
- I want to be a better father
- I want to be a better martial artist
Each item had goals in it and things to work on. It starts off bad (just to warn you):
“I want to be healthier and I want to have less pain”
As the years go by, I find myself having more pain. Every cold front that comes in, my hands, elbows, knees and various other joints ache. I started this year working very hard to work out. My “Century of Pushups” caused a lot of pain because I didn’t do it smart. Truthfully, my recent issues at home have caused a glutton of fast food which I don’t think anyone would consider healthy (not to mention a bit too much alcohol for my own good). I would say I have in the last 6 months actually gotten less healthy and have probably had more pain because of it. I would consider that I did not carry through on these promises to myself. A big note on this one, some people would accept the excuse that I’ve been under a lot of strain at home and work and should give myself a break. The thing you have to understand is, this is not about giving myself a break. This diary is about viewing myself in the white lights. The white lights are used to point out flaws in designs. It’s not about going “woe is me”; it’s simply about being honest with myself so improvements can be made in the future. The biggest thing I’ve learned (more correct is “re-learned”) is planning is the key to good health. You have to plan out your next day every day. This is my big lesson for the next year. If you want to be healthy, you have to plan for eating healthy.
“I want to be a better husband and I want to be a better father”
My wife has been sick. Truth be told, we have to accept that our lives have changed significantly this year and the change may be permanent. I’ve said it out in the open; now I have to do something about it. In the past 3 months, I’ve done more chores then I did in the first 9 months. I’ve cared for my wife and son. I’ve carried my wife to the car to get her into the ER. I’ve spent a week caring for my son alone. I’ve prayed non-stop for my wife’s health. I’ve prayed for her doctors, that they could be just a little bit wiser than they normally are. More importantly, I’ve been THERE. It’s not about the chores. It’s not about overcoming the fear of being alone with my son. It’s about being there. I have become a better husband and father; fate (God) gave me an opportunity to rise to the occasion and I did better than I thought. One of the reasons is because I started examining this before the challenges occur. Sifu says the time to work on a challenge is long before it ever happens. Don’t start meditating when you stressed; start meditating so that when the stresses come up, you can handle it better.
To be honest, I have not been perfect. I need to work in the coming year to improve my communication with my wife. She’s going through a hard time and she needs a husband to talk to. I’ve been a little better, but this is an area I need more improvement. Over all when I examine how I handled that past few months, I can see that I have a long way to go, but my path has been true.
“I want to be a better martial artist”
As if this posting wasn’t long enough… I think this has been the most significant improvement. A friend argued with me that there is no such thing as a martial artist. There is only someone that has reached practices to reach mastery in the martial arts. You say tomato and I say tomato. This year started with my green sash test. Physically, it kicked my butt. Mentally, it kicked my butt. Even spiritually, it kicked my butt. It was hard, but as I learned later in the year, the universe hits you harder than even 9 senior students.
Recently I’ve consider quitting the school. It’s a lot of money and I haven’t been going regularly. It’s very hard to work up the amount of energy to go to the dojo when you might be called off at the last minute. You can take the martial artist out of the school, but does that take the martial artist out of the man? I think the constant reinforcement is important and I want to continue there, but I learned something very important last week.
I had a class that is required for managers at my company. During the class, you had to take a “self-examination” where you answer how you are at managing. Normally I find these things VERY hard, because I can always think of examples where I did well and examples where I did not do well. This time, I answer every question with a calm mind, confidently ticking off each box good and bad. I’ve significantly changed this year. Something has happened.
My change has happened internally. Even my green sash test prepped me for this. The Monday before my test I was confident I was ready for it. Of course, I came down with a cold. I still battled through the test, but I had to be honest with my capabilities and accept repercussions of my actions.
At one time, I did not “believe” in self examinations. I didn’t believe in being introspective. I thought it waste of time, and accepted that I was a little scared of the truth of what’s inside of me. I’m still scared of it, but I have decided it’s worth being scared and it’s worth knowing. Maybe that’s one of the things that defines a martial artist: the ability to be honest with yourself. In one of my favorite “Martial Arts” movies, the lead character looks into the Book of Truth, despite the warning that what he will see is terrifying. What he finds is pages upon pages of mirrors. (Points to the people that know what the movie is, I know I made Dave watch it so he might get it). A martial artist or a “real” human being has to discover that truth.
It’s been a mixed year of results for me. Truth be told, I’ll be glad to see the end of 2008. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world though. It’s sucked eggs, but it’s proven to me that challenges are the only thing that shows you who and what you are. Like the green sash test woke me up to what I could do; the challenges show me who I could be… with a little more work.
