TigerJ13 – Days of Change

I’m sick of polls.  I’ll make this short.  The populous of the world is 90% Sheep, 5% wolves and 5% Media.  The 5% of the media lead the 90% of the sheep to the 5% of wolves by using Poll data.  Listen to the opinion polls on CNN, which I can’t stand because all I hear is their snide remarks instead of any facts, they discuss whether Obama or McCain are in the lead.   WHY DOES THIS MATTER!  I understand the value of polling the populous so that the leaders can look into the “hearts and minds” of their constituents.  What we seem to be doing though, is trying to look into the future.  We poll the damn world so much that NO ONE has a clue about their own opinion because they look at what other people believe. 

I’m a big believer.  I’ve spoken of the fact that I am Catholic.  I go on record as saying I believe in heroes despite when the world believes.  I believe in magic.  The thing is, I know why I believe in these things.  I am not sure right now who I’m going to vote for.  I wouldn’t tell you if I did.  I’m weighing what the candidates say versus what they have done.  I’m weighing my emotional decision versus my intellectual decision.  I’m trying to understand what difference it will make in the general scheme of the world who wins.  I am not looking to “back the winner”.  When I was young, a bunch of my friends were hardcore Ross Perot fans.  I thought they were being idiots because there was no way that he could win.  I’m older now and I think I’ve become MORE idealistic.  I’m not saying Ross Perot would have been a good choice for President; I’m saying people backed what they believed to be the best candidate not because he was the front runner, but because they examined the evidence and believed he was the best person for the job.

These polls are my worst nightmare. To quote Mark Twain “there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies and statistics.”  In the basement of the LTU Management Building, there was graffiti.  I don’t recommend writing or reading graffiti, but I read it every time I walked the stairs down to the library.  It said “REFUTE AND REFUSE”.  Seek the facts, think for yourselves, and refuse to eat the opinions that are fed to you.  Refute and refuse.

Sorry it took so long (and of course I’m saying this to Dave who was the only person who expressed intrest in it

Committed

As cliché as this sounds, this paper has been written since my first day of class, or at least some of it has.  I remember my first day of class pretty well; it was less than three years ago.  Sifu was discussing the five ways to become a great martial artist; something we hear often in the early class.  I was listening intently when something happened.  Sifu said “Practice EXACTLY what you want to perform.”  Bells were ringing in my head so loud that I doubt I heard the rest of the talk.  You see, I had been saying almost the exact same words to my volleyball team during practice for years.  It was something that I believed in very deeply, for volleyball.  Hearing it brought up about something other than volleyball or even sports in general, made me think that I had been very narrow in my thinking.  The next day I went to class hoping to hear about the five ways again.  As all students learn quickly enough, the five ways are a common theme.  And every time, I got more excited.  Something responded in me.  Something that I hoped would be life changing.

I should back up a bit and discuss a personality flaw I’ve had all my life.  I hate commitment.  Back in college when I wanted a cell phone (which was not as common as they are today), I could not get myself to sign the required three year contract.  “I don’t know what I’ll be doing next year let along three years from now.”  Leasing my first car was the same way.  I don’t like the concept of that long term commitment, because who knows when a better deal will come by.

Fast forward through a bunch of employers and various other life experiences and you get me sitting in my first Kung Fu class.  At the time, I had just started a new job, which allowed me more free time.  I was finally able to try to practice martial arts for real, instead of community Ed. Tai Chi.  My life was going pretty well.  I had a girlfriend that I loved, a good paying job, a nice condo (yes, I was nervous signing that mortgage too), and some of the greatest friends a man could have.  Heather and I were talking marriage.  You get the point though.  How does a man who had a hard time signing a cell phone agreement sign up for marriage.

While talking about marriage and telling Heather she was the one for me were all well and good, eventually you have to say the words.  And I was having trouble with that final step.  Heather was very good about it, letting me take my time, but it was obvious she wanted to move into a new stage of life.

The change happened while sitting waiting for class, if you can believe that.  While I know we should let go of everything when walking into the dojo, I think we all have days when things don’t go away.  I had been troubled for days knowing I had to move forward in my life, but I was terrified.  I love Heather, but I felt ill prepared to be a husband.  I lacked commitment, and then, while sitting on the mats, a glimpse of an idea stuck me.  What is commitment?  How can you be committed to one woman for your life?  Well obviously you have to be patient.  Patience gets you through the tedious little trials of life and through the high hurdles.  You have to preserver through those trials day in and day out, knowing that a majority of the time will be day to day, book ended by highs and lows.  You have to work hard.  Being a husband means doing things that you might not have done when you were alone.  But similar to our practice, it’s a good thing.  It gets you to grow and be strong.  You have to practice every day exactly what you want to perform.  You have to tweak that behavior similar to how you tweak your front punch.  Perhaps you will fail every time by millimeters (or light years) to get that goal of perfection.  Finally, you have to focus.  Every day.  Focus is what brings it all together.  Something that I’m not very good at, and hopefully I will get better.  But that focus is the key between living in an imaginary world and living a truly beautiful life. 

I won’t say that I wouldn’t be married if it wasn’t for Kung Fu.  Hopefully, I’m smart enough to realize when something great happens in your life, you need to grab it and hold it and treat it with the highest respect.  I think I’m at least that smart, but I know that I’m a different person than three years ago.  I’m not a great martial artist.  I might not ever become a great martial artist.  I’m not even sure I will become a good martial artist.  I’m a good husband though.  Ask my wife, she’ll tell you.  What she didn’t know though is how much I feel the good qualities that she likes are cultivated by patience, perseverance, hard work, vigilance in thought and action to my goal, and meditation.  She’s a great wife.  I know she practices these qualities often (especially patience with my not-so-good husband qualities). 

In the last two months, another change has happened in our lives.  The birth of my son, Ryan Quinn.  He’s a handful.  I’m scared all the time.  I think about what I’m going to do the next time he cries, especially at 3:00 in the morning.  I think about how I’m going to explain that there are bad people in the world and he has to be careful and not talk to strangers.  I try not to think about how I’m going to explain drugs and alcohol.  The fear at times seems overwhelming.  This is true commitment, taking responsibility of a new life in the world.  The difference is, now when I can feel the fear creep up on my shoulder, or that icy pain in my stomach; I think to myself, I have the tools to do this right.  I have the tools to be a good father and husband.  I can handle the ultimate commitment.

When talking with a young man from the dojo about marriage, I gave him the little advice I have, being so new in the role as parent and husband.  There are five ways to be a great husband.  There are five ways to be a great father.  And there are five ways to be a great martial artist.  You have to do all five, every day.

I’ve been chomping at the bit to write this entry, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time.  My life was changed by an article I read in, I think, 1997 and I want to share that wisdom with you.  It really doesn’t seem like a magazine that would give you a profound “paradigm” shift, but I found the article in Men’s Health.  I don’t remember exactly when it was written, and I don’t remember who wrote it.  I wish I could include a link.  The title was something to the effect of: “The Stress Myth”.  Here’s the gist:  Stress is a modern myth; it is a sort of urban legend.  There is no such thing as stress, and just by using the word we are making our lives miserable.

As I said, this article changed my life.  At one time, our fear kept us alive.  Healthy fear of an animal that we are hunting could suddenly hunt us back makes sense.  Today, we don’t get hunted too often.  Still, we live in fear.  Fear of losing our job, our house, or our wife.  We live in fear that the pinch we feel on our left side is actually a heart attack.  We live in fear that this is all there is, and life won’t get better.  You get the point.  The problem is we identify this unidentified feeling as stress, because it doesn’t make sense that it would be fear.  All we have to fear, is fear itself.

Amazingly enough, stress related disease is everywhere.  Heart disease, cancer, even obesity has it’s roots in “stress”.   According to  http://www.eqhelp.com/: “75% of the health problems presented to Medical Doctors in the United States are stress related illness, caused by emotional stress (statistic from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).”

I’ve brought up before the phrase “What is bothering you right at this moment?”  As a lesson my Martial Arts instructor brought up about grappling.  If you were to ask people what bothers them most about their job, most people would say their boss… right behind that answer would probably be the job “stress.”   So WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT? If it’s stress, you can’t fight it.  Stress is just this feeling of pressure that comes from all sides.  You can meditate and learn to deal with it’s never ending pressure.  You can vacation from it, so for one out of 52 weeks a year you get to “relax”. 

There is another option.  Address the root of the problem.  If you are under stress, what is stressing you out?  Hard to answer right?  Let’s try to address it per my “stress is a myth” philosophy.  What are you afraid of?

I’m afraid of losing my job and not being able to pay off bills, hence losing everything.

Solution – Start saving for that rainy day.  Open a special savings account and pop a little in every month.  Update your resume.  Start working your social network.  Reduce your cost of living.  Have a smaller house and therefore a smaller mortgage.

I’m afraid of failing at my job.

Solution – Work to improve yourself at your job.  Ask you peers, your boss, and your underlings what you aren’t good at.  Then educate yourself on the issues that come up.  Then, try a brain game.  What is the worst thing that could happen to you if you fail at your job?  I work in a dangerous area.  If I make the wrong call it could cost someone their life.  But I’m very careful about that aspect of my job, and I’ve worked very hard to make myself an expert at avoiding that from happening.  If the worst thing that could happen is you lose your job, see above.

I’m afraid my boss will yell at me.

Solution – see above.  If the worst thing that can happen to you if you fail at your job is that your boss yells at you, well you are probably lucky.  Still, it is a reasonable fear.  You have to find a way of dealing with that fear.  Even if it’s listening to your colleague being chewed out by the boss and thinking “hey, he’s getting paid to have his boss scream at him.  Even though he’s not doing work… this can’t be too bad.”

My point is, I’ve been complaining about work for a while… and I’ve been unable to identify what my problem is.  I think if you have been reading this blog you understand that I’m a person that is afraid of a lot of things.  So if I should do some deep soul searching, I would probably find that the above issues aren’t just random examples… or who knows, maybe it’s just stress.