I Am The Fat Kid
To sum up the reason I wish to practice Kung Fu and along the same lines, Tai Chi, I give you a simple sentence: I am the fat kid. It’s ironic that the day before I was first asked to test for my yellow sash, Sifu Brown delivered a crushing lecture to us about that fat kid and him. The root of the issue was we, the white sashes and above, had left a beginner standing. He spoke from the heart about being a child and a teenager and being the last one picked during gym or recess for sports. The two people being left standing were the fat kid and the boy who would become Sifu Brown.
I was the fat kid; I am the fat kid.
When I was younger, I loved the Kung Fu/Karate movies. Martial Arts Theater, Bruce Lee, Bruce Li, Jackie Chan, and even Chuck Norris, I couldn’t get enough of them. I would watch them over and over again sitting in my basement. I would even practice the moves thinking that maybe, they would help me cut down my weight. I wanted so much to learn the martial arts, because I thought if I did it would help me lose weight and possibly improve me in some fundamental way.
I was right, but in the wrong way. I was very shy in school. Generally I had my close group of friends, but I didn’t do well meeting new people. This carried on from grade school to high school, and into college. I had very little confidence and would barely attempt anything new.
It could have gone this way for the rest of my life, except two things happened (none of which had anything to do with the martial arts, or so it seemed). First, a man named Craig Vogel, who took a very shy person under his wing and introduced him to people. He even encouraged me to work for the school, which ended up allowing me to pay for my last few years not to mention meet just about everyone at the school. The next thing happened in my senior year. I always loved dancing, but being shy, I was too nervous to do it alone; I still went out to certain dance clubs and danced, alone, in a dark corner. So one day, I went out on my own to a dance club. I was afraid to go out and dance on the crowded dance floor, and had decided, this was it, no more going out making a fool of myself in public. I’m going to graduate and get a job, and stop this type of stuff. I had turned around convinced I was going to leave never to return, and I ran into a friend from college. Karl Pierre and his friends were out dancing. I played volleyball with Karl, but didn’t know he liked to dance. His group of friends had no problem going out to dance on their own or with their group. I have to say, I attached myself to Karl. I fed on that confidence he had.
Around this time, I went to dojo for the first time. The dojo looked much different back then. There was no lobby per say. I remember walking in and being very scared, intimidated. I was awkward, in poor shape, although I weighed much less than I had in high school or beginning college thanks to volleyball and consistent working out (and not having time to eat in my college and work life). Still when I saw myself, I was fat and out of shape. I practiced. And upon leaving, I decided that I wouldn’t go back because: 1.) I needed to get in better shape; 2.) it was really expensive and I make sure I had a consistent job; 3.) I didn’t like all the talk that Kung Fu was so much better than other forms of martial arts. In other words, I made a ton of excuses. I loved the class and the physical-ness of the practice. I had plenty of money to afford the class. And finally, I knew that one of the purposes of training is to get in better shape. But I still walked out.
I am the fat kid.
Looking back with 20/20 vision, I see it very clearly. In the Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow wants a brain; the Tin Woodsman wants a heart; and the Lion wants courage. The diploma, the ticking watch, and the medal didn’t really make a difference. They had to face up to the fact that they were afraid, and then, acknowledging that fear, have the confidence to go on despite and in spite of that fear.
I am still the fat kid, and perhaps that fear will stay with me no matter what I do. It is quite possible that I will always live my life, hearing quiet laughter behind me when I dance or perform a hook kick. I know that before I call someone I will always have to consciously force myself to pick up the phone and talk. I know that meeting new people will always be difficult despite being the center of social focus for my group of friends. I am still the fat kid.
But more importantly, I am much more. I have not conquered my fears; I live with them and on day-to-day basis confront them. Like everyone else in the world, I have daily struggles with the partners in my life, even if some of the “partners” are doubts deep with-in me. I am more than the fat kid; I’m son, brother, friend and hopefully soon spouse. I am a dear friend to many people playing at times confessor to people who needed to talk. I am a physicist who works as an engineer. And I am a practitioner of the martial arts.
Kung Fu or Tai Chi could have been a way to help me master my fears if I had stayed with it the first time I came through the dojo’s doors, but I didn’t and that time is gone, the man who came through those doors is still in me, but there is more to me now than then. Now, I practice martial arts because I do have the confidence to put aside my doubts. I loved the martial arts when I first saw the grace, power and fluidity that is possible from a human being. Now though, what it means to me is Joe is afraid, and he still goes forward. I still come into the Dojo. I will not let fears stop me. I admit that from time to time, like the before mentioned Tin Woodsman, my body needs some oil and rest to keep going, but fear does not stop me. The fear of being left standing; the fear of falling; the fear of doing things wrong; the fear of the quiet laughter. I am still the fat kid. All of those fears still exist, but they will not stop me. Life is too short and there are too many good things to find, especially in the dojo (and in myself).
I hope that when you read this, despite seeing “I am the fat kid” a lot, you will remember, that I am Joe, Just Joe, because while the fat kid is still there, I am much more. In recent years this Joe has sang and played guitar in public. He has made public presentations in front of hundreds of people. He has played (and won) volleyball tournaments. He has danced in clubs all around the world. And finally, after many years, he has begun his studies of the martial arts.
