A Short Message

I donated blood last week Thursday.  I volunteered for the process called “double red” where they take two pints worth of red blood cells, but put the “other stuff” back into you with saline.  Last time I did this, I had problems breathing and had to take some time off.  I forgot in the 4 months since I donated all the things that happened.  So I’m recording it here to remind me.

I’m a big believer in donating blood, but the side effects of this procedure (unless they are all in my head) aren’t good.  Even after almost a week, I have shortness of breath, elevated heart rate when working out, and I think depression.  There are a bunch of other issues like heart palpatations that come and go…  while I will donate blood again, I think I’ll forgo the double red.

 

The Big Check-In

Well, I started this digital diary on December 20^th 2007.  So this is the big check in.  I haven’t decided whether I’m going to keep it running or not.  It’s been useful for some venting of ideas, but I haven’t had a lot of time recently to write in it.  The “Diary of Change” was a name I gave it on a whim.  I find it funny how later on in 2008, Barack Obama would use “Change” as his mantra for election.  I wonder how many people found my Diary while “Googling” Obama.

 

A change will do you good –

I needed change.  I still do, but I didn’t realize how much I would need it.  I don’t want to air all my year on the internet, but suffice to say, it’s been a real bummer.  My wife has had some severe health problems.  We have had several emotional traumas, and let’s face facts, the economic environment has not done much to eased my mind recently.  So how have I done with my “change”, let us start with the mission statement:

• I want to be healthier
• I want to have less pain
• I want to be a better husband
• I want to be a better father
• I want to be a better martial artist

Each item had goals in it and things to work on.  It starts off bad (just to warn you):

 

“I want to be healthier and I want to have less pain”

As the years go by, I find myself having more pain.  Every cold front that comes in, my hands, elbows, knees and various other joints ache.  I started this year working very hard to work out.  My “Century of Pushups” caused a lot of pain because I didn’t do it smart.  Truthfully, my recent issues at home have caused a glutton of fast food which I don’t think anyone would consider healthy (not to mention a bit too much alcohol for my own good).  I would say I have in the last 6 months actually gotten less healthy and have probably had more pain because of it.  I would consider that I did not carry through on these promises to myself.  A big note on this one, some people would accept the excuse that I’ve been under a lot of strain at home and work and should give myself a break.  The thing you have to understand is, this is not about giving myself a break.  This diary is about viewing myself in the white lights.  The white lights are used to point out flaws in designs.  It’s not about going “woe is me”; it’s simply about being honest with myself so improvements can be made in the future.  The biggest thing I’ve learned (more correct is “re-learned”) is planning is the key to good health.  You have to plan out your next day every day.  This is my big lesson for the next year.  If you want to be healthy, you have to plan for eating healthy.

 

“I want to be a better husband and I want to be a better father”

My wife has been sick.  Truth be told, we have to accept that our lives have changed significantly this year and the change may be permanent.   I’ve said it out in the open; now I have to do something about it.  In the past 3 months, I’ve done more chores then I did in the first 9 months.  I’ve cared for my wife and son.  I’ve carried my wife to the car to get her into the ER.  I’ve spent a week caring for my son alone.  I’ve prayed non-stop for my wife’s health.  I’ve prayed for her doctors, that they could be just a little bit wiser than they normally are.  More importantly, I’ve been THERE.  It’s not about the chores.  It’s not about overcoming the fear of being alone with my son.  It’s about being there.  I have become a better husband and father; fate (God) gave me an opportunity to rise to the occasion and I did better than I thought.  One of the reasons is because I started examining this before the challenges occur.  Sifu says the time to work on a challenge is long before it ever happens.  Don’t start meditating when you stressed; start meditating so that when the stresses come up, you can handle it better.

 

To be honest, I have not been perfect.  I need to work in the coming year to improve my communication with my wife.  She’s going through a hard time and she needs a husband to talk to.  I’ve been a little better, but this is an area I need more improvement.  Over all when I examine how I handled that past few months, I can see that I have a long way to go, but my path has been true. 

 

“I want to be a better martial artist”

As if this posting wasn’t long enough… I think this has been the most significant improvement.  A friend argued with me that there is no such thing as a martial artist.  There is only someone that has reached practices to reach mastery in the martial arts.  You say tomato and I say tomato.  This year started with my green sash test.  Physically, it kicked my butt.  Mentally, it kicked my butt.  Even spiritually, it kicked my butt.  It was hard, but as I learned later in the year, the universe hits you harder than even 9 senior students.

 

Recently I’ve consider quitting the school.  It’s a lot of money and I haven’t been going regularly.  It’s very hard to work up the amount of energy to go to the dojo when you might be called off at the last minute.  You can take the martial artist out of the school, but does that take the martial artist out of the man?  I think the constant reinforcement is important and I want to continue there, but I learned something very important last week.

 

I had a class that is required for managers at my company.  During the class, you had to take a “self-examination” where you answer how you are at managing.  Normally I find these things VERY hard, because I can always think of examples where I did well and examples where I did not do well.  This time, I answer every question with a calm mind, confidently ticking off each box good and bad.  I’ve significantly changed this year.  Something has happened.

 

My change has happened internally.  Even my green sash test prepped me for this.  The Monday before my test I was confident I was ready for it.  Of course, I came down with a cold.  I still battled through the test, but I had to be honest with my capabilities and accept repercussions of my actions.

 

At one time, I did not “believe” in self examinations.  I didn’t believe in being introspective.  I thought it waste of time, and accepted that I was a little scared of the truth of what’s inside of me.  I’m still scared of it, but I have decided it’s worth being scared and it’s worth knowing.  Maybe that’s one of the things that defines a martial artist: the ability to be honest with yourself.  In one of my favorite “Martial Arts” movies, the lead character looks into the Book of Truth, despite the warning that what he will see is terrifying.  What he finds is pages upon pages of mirrors.  (Points to the people that know what the movie is, I know I made Dave watch it so he might get it).  A martial artist or a “real” human being has to discover that truth.

 

It’s been a mixed year of results for me.  Truth be told, I’ll be glad to see the end of 2008.  I wouldn’t have missed it for the world though.  It’s sucked eggs, but it’s proven to me that challenges are the only thing that shows you who and what you are.  Like the green sash test woke me up to what I could do; the challenges show me who I could be… with a little more work.

 

 

Shades of Gray by Billy Joel

Some things were perfectly clear,
seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear,
I claimed the corner on truth
These days it’s harder to say
I know what I’m fighting for
My faith is falling away
I’m not that sure anymore

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see

Once there were trenches and walls
and one point of every view
Fight ’til the other man falls
Kill him before he kills you
These days the edges are blurred,
I’m old and tired of war
I hear the other man’s words
I’m not that sure anymore

Shades of grey are all that I find
When I look to the enemy line
Black and white was so easy for me
But shades of grey are the colors I see

Now with the wisdom of years
I try to reason things out
And the only people I fear
are those who never have doubts
Save us all from arrogant men,
and all the causes they’re for
I won’t be righteous again
I’m not that sure anymore

Shades of grey are all that I find
when I look to the enemy line
There ain’t no rainbows shining on me
Shades of grey are the colours I see

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
There ain’t no rainbows shining on me
Shades of grey are the colors I see

 

Advice to a Friend – just get on with it.

So, a friend of mine is prepping for her green sash test and she sent me a message very disheartened and worried.  So I sent her back this advice.  Then I realized that if I was going to take the 2nd green some time in the next year or so, I might be needing this advice again.  So I’ll store it here to remind me!  (and maybe you can take something from it)

Ok… deep cleansing breath.

 

First of all, I sympathize with you.  I’ve been there and I was really FRICKIN’ scared to FRICKIN’ death every minute I practiced for the test.  {Senior Student Who Helped Me} is VERY helpful, but every time I did my chin nah for him he tweaked it.  Sometimes significantly.  Every now and again he just shook his head and said, “I wouldn’t do that”.  It was helpful, and mentally debilitating at the same time.  Eventually, either he gave up or I gave up getting advice from him because it was too close to the test.  I made a conscious decision to go with where I was at.

 

It’s the same thing with your combinations.  Decide on how your partner moves in your head.  If you are practicing with a partner and they move differently, don’t worry about it.  Make sure your combinations flow in your head and then practice them to make sure they flow with your body, give up on trying to have another human being behave exactly how your mind works.  It ain’t going to happen.  And three years from now, you are going to think about how silly your combinations where no matter how much you work on them.  Pick your combinations now.  Decide. Memorize.  Rep.  Let go of any type of perfection you want to achieve.  A big part of passing a test is realizing you have a LONG way to go. 

 

Work your form.  Make sure you can relax into your form and still have power.  Work on speed, but not on going through your form fast, but responding and decimating each partner individually; each block and strike has a rhythm to it.  I speak from experience that you really want to be able to relax during your form.  Remember I had a cold during my green sash test and couldn’t breathe properly.  The only way I made it through was relaxing my body as much as I could so it wouldn’t take unnecessary oxygen.

 

As to whether you “should” take the test or not, I would tell you that it doesn’t matter.  Your test doesn’t really change anything.  You will be the exact same if you pass or fail.  You’ll have the same insecurities and the same doubts.  They will be more obvious to you when you have a green sash on, but they’ll be the same ones you have right now.  The green color will let you examine them on the surface instead of in the dark recesses of your mind, but that’s just a matter of intensity (like how colors seem to be shades of gray in twilight).  The training for the test and walking into the test is really what’s important.  You are never ready for the next color.  And won’t be for months (or in my case years) into being that level.  It’s like school, you’re  a junior in high school, you really only feel like a successful junior when you graduate to the next level, but then you’re a senior.

 

I know Sifu thinks that you are a successful student who’s conscientious about her practice.  I doubt he thinks you are the greatest, strongest, fastest, toughest, or most disciplined person that has every walked into the dojo.  You’re a good student and should take confidence in that.  If you want to be the greatest student ever in the dojo, let go of that.  I know you are probably saying, “that’s not it; that’s not what I’m saying”.  But on some level it is.  You want to be better then you are right at this moment in order to take the test.  And if you don’t take it until next year, you may be better prepared, but you will feel the same way.  So, the advice I gave to myself, when I was in the same situation was, “get on with it.”  Just get on with it.  The test sucks.  It sucks big time.  It was miserable.  I still hated my second yellow worse, even with the sparing, but it sucks.  If you have the guts to walk in to the dojo that day and put your best into it, then you are worthy of the green.  I think that’s what it takes; it’s walking into the dojo with whatever tools you have that day. 

 

I think you got enough tools.  So just get on with it.

 

Refute and Refuse!

I’m sick of polls.  I’ll make this short.  The populous of the world is 90% Sheep, 5% wolves and 5% Media.  The 5% of the media lead the 90% of the sheep to the 5% of wolves by using Poll data.  Listen to the opinion polls on CNN, which I can’t stand because all I hear is their snide remarks instead of any facts, they discuss whether Obama or McCain are in the lead.   WHY DOES THIS MATTER!  I understand the value of polling the populous so that the leaders can look into the “hearts and minds” of their constituents.  What we seem to be doing though, is trying to look into the future.  We poll the damn world so much that NO ONE has a clue about their own opinion because they look at what other people believe. 

 

I’m a big believer.  I’ve spoken of the fact that I am Catholic.  I go on record as saying I believe in heroes despite when the world believes.  I believe in magic.  The thing is, I know why I believe in these things.  I am not sure right now who I’m going to vote for.  I wouldn’t tell you if I did.  I’m weighing what the candidates say versus what they have done.  I’m weighing my emotional decision versus my intellectual decision.  I’m trying to understand what difference it will make in the general scheme of the world who wins.  I am not looking to “back the winner”.  When I was young, a bunch of my friends were hardcore Ross Perot fans.  I thought they were being idiots because there was no way that he could win.  I’m older now and I think I’ve become MORE idealistic.  I’m not saying Ross Perot would have been a good choice for President; I’m saying people backed what they believed to be the best candidate not because he was the front runner, but because they examined the evidence and believed he was the best person for the job.

 

These polls are my worst nightmare. To quote Mark Twain “there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies and statistics.”  In the basement of the LTU Management Building, there was graffiti.  I don’t recommend writing or reading graffiti, but I read it every time I walked the stairs down to the library.  It said “REFUTE AND REFUSE”.  Seek the facts, think for yourselves, and refuse to eat the opinions that are fed to you.  Refute and refuse.

 

Second Degree Yellow Paper

Sorry it took so long (and of course I’m saying this to Dave who was the only person who expressed intrest in it

Committed

As cliché as this sounds, this paper has been written since my first day of class, or at least some of it has.  I remember my first day of class pretty well; it was less than three years ago.  Sifu was discussing the five ways to become a great martial artist; something we hear often in the early class.  I was listening intently when something happened.  Sifu said “Practice EXACTLY what you want to perform.”  Bells were ringing in my head so loud that I doubt I heard the rest of the talk.  You see, I had been saying almost the exact same words to my volleyball team during practice for years.  It was something that I believed in very deeply, for volleyball.  Hearing it brought up about something other than volleyball or even sports in general, made me think that I had been very narrow in my thinking.  The next day I went to class hoping to hear about the five ways again.  As all students learn quickly enough, the five ways are a common theme.  And every time, I got more excited.  Something responded in me.  Something that I hoped would be life changing.

 

I should back up a bit and discuss a personality flaw I’ve had all my life.  I hate commitment.  Back in college when I wanted a cell phone (which was not as common as they are today), I could not get myself to sign the required three year contract.  “I don’t know what I’ll be doing next year let along three years from now.”  Leasing my first car was the same way.  I don’t like the concept of that long term commitment, because who knows when a better deal will come by.

 

Fast forward through a bunch of employers and various other life experiences and you get me sitting in my first Kung Fu class.  At the time, I had just started a new job, which allowed me more free time.  I was finally able to try to practice martial arts for real, instead of community Ed. Tai Chi.  My life was going pretty well.  I had a girlfriend that I loved, a good paying job, a nice condo (yes, I was nervous signing that mortgage too), and some of the greatest friends a man could have.  Heather and I were talking marriage.  You get the point though.  How does a man who had a hard time signing a cell phone agreement sign up for marriage.

 

While talking about marriage and telling Heather she was the one for me were all well and good, eventually you have to say the words.  And I was having trouble with that final step.  Heather was very good about it, letting me take my time, but it was obvious she wanted to move into a new stage of life.

 

The change happened while sitting waiting for class, if you can believe that.  While I know we should let go of everything when walking into the dojo, I think we all have days when things don’t go away.  I had been troubled for days knowing I had to move forward in my life, but I was terrified.  I love Heather, but I felt ill prepared to be a husband.  I lacked commitment, and then, while sitting on the mats, a glimpse of an idea stuck me.  What is commitment?  How can you be committed to one woman for your life?  Well obviously you have to be patient.  Patience gets you through the tedious little trials of life and through the high hurdles.  You have to preserver through those trials day in and day out, knowing that a majority of the time will be day to day, book ended by highs and lows.  You have to work hard.  Being a husband means doing things that you might not have done when you were alone.  But similar to our practice, it’s a good thing.  It gets you to grow and be strong.  You have to practice every day exactly what you want to perform.  You have to tweak that behavior similar to how you tweak your front punch.  Perhaps you will fail every time by millimeters (or light years) to get that goal of perfection.  Finally, you have to focus.  Every day.  Focus is what brings it all together.  Something that I’m not very good at, and hopefully I will get better.  But that focus is the key between living in an imaginary world and living a truly beautiful life. 

 

I won’t say that I wouldn’t be married if it wasn’t for Kung Fu.  Hopefully, I’m smart enough to realize when something great happens in your life, you need to grab it and hold it and treat it with the highest respect.  I think I’m at least that smart, but I know that I’m a different person than three years ago.  I’m not a great martial artist.  I might not ever become a great martial artist.  I’m not even sure I will become a good martial artist.  I’m a good husband though.  Ask my wife, she’ll tell you.  What she didn’t know though is how much I feel the good qualities that she likes are cultivated by patience, perseverance, hard work, vigilance in thought and action to my goal, and meditation.  She’s a great wife.  I know she practices these qualities often (especially patience with my not-so-good husband qualities). 

 

In the last two months, another change has happened in our lives.  The birth of my son, Ryan Quinn.  He’s a handful.  I’m scared all the time.  I think about what I’m going to do the next time he cries, especially at 3:00 in the morning.  I think about how I’m going to explain that there are bad people in the world and he has to be careful and not talk to strangers.  I try not to think about how I’m going to explain drugs and alcohol.  The fear at times seems overwhelming.  This is true commitment, taking responsibility of a new life in the world.  The difference is, now when I can feel the fear creep up on my shoulder, or that icy pain in my stomach; I think to myself, I have the tools to do this right.  I have the tools to be a good father and husband.  I can handle the ultimate commitment.

 

When talking with a young man from the dojo about marriage, I gave him the little advice I have, being so new in the role as parent and husband.  There are five ways to be a great husband.  There are five ways to be a great father.  And there are five ways to be a great martial artist.  You have to do all five, every day.

 

 

 

Stress versus Fear

I’ve been chomping at the bit to write this entry, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time.  My life was changed by an article I read in, I think, 1997 and I want to share that wisdom with you.  It really doesn’t seem like a magazine that would give you a profound “paradigm” shift, but I found the article in Men’s Health.  I don’t remember exactly when it was written, and I don’t remember who wrote it.  I wish I could include a link.  The title was something to the effect of: “The Stress Myth”.  Here’s the gist:  Stress is a modern myth; it is a sort of urban legend.  There is no such thing as stress, and just by using the word we are making our lives miserable.

 

As I said, this article changed my life.  At one time, our fear kept us alive.  Healthy fear of an animal that we are hunting could suddenly hunt us back makes sense.  Today, we don’t get hunted too often.  Still, we live in fear.  Fear of losing our job, our house, or our wife.  We live in fear that the pinch we feel on our left side is actually a heart attack.  We live in fear that this is all there is, and life won’t get better.  You get the point.  The problem is we identify this unidentified feeling as stress, because it doesn’t make sense that it would be fear.  All we have to fear, is fear itself.

 

Amazingly enough, stress related disease is everywhere.  Heart disease, cancer, even obesity has it’s roots in “stress”.   According to  http://www.eqhelp.com/: “75% of the health problems presented to Medical Doctors in the United States are stress related illness, caused by emotional stress (statistic from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).”

 

I’ve brought up before the phrase “What is bothering you right at this moment?”  As a lesson my Martial Arts instructor brought up about grappling.  If you were to ask people what bothers them most about their job, most people would say their boss… right behind that answer would probably be the job “stress.”   So WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT? If it’s stress, you can’t fight it.  Stress is just this feeling of pressure that comes from all sides.  You can meditate and learn to deal with it’s never ending pressure.  You can vacation from it, so for one out of 52 weeks a year you get to “relax”. 

 

There is another option.  Address the root of the problem.  If you are under stress, what is stressing you out?  Hard to answer right?  Let’s try to address it per my “stress is a myth” philosophy.  What are you afraid of?

 

I’m afraid of losing my job and not being able to pay off bills, hence losing everything.

Solution – Start saving for that rainy day.  Open a special savings account and pop a little in every month.  Update your resume.  Start working your social network.  Reduce your cost of living.  Have a smaller house and therefore a smaller mortgage.

 

I’m afraid of failing at my job.

Solution – Work to improve yourself at your job.  Ask you peers, your boss, and your underlings what you aren’t good at.  Then educate yourself on the issues that come up.  Then, try a brain game.  What is the worst thing that could happen to you if you fail at your job?  I work in a dangerous area.  If I make the wrong call it could cost someone their life.  But I’m very careful about that aspect of my job, and I’ve worked very hard to make myself an expert at avoiding that from happening.  If the worst thing that could happen is you lose your job, see above.

 

I’m afraid my boss will yell at me.

Solution – see above.  If the worst thing that can happen to you if you fail at your job is that your boss yells at you, well you are probably lucky.  Still, it is a reasonable fear.  You have to find a way of dealing with that fear.  Even if it’s listening to your colleague being chewed out by the boss and thinking “hey, he’s getting paid to have his boss scream at him.  Even though he’s not doing work… this can’t be too bad.”

 

My point is, I’ve been complaining about work for a while… and I’ve been unable to identify what my problem is.  I think if you have been reading this blog you understand that I’m a person that is afraid of a lot of things.  So if I should do some deep soul searching, I would probably find that the above issues aren’t just random examples… or who knows, maybe it’s just stress. 

 

Changes

So, through adversity comes hope… as the saying goes.  Recently, my wife and I have experienced a tragedy.  I don’t want to make too big of a deal about it, but it was a significantly less than pleasant experience.  It made me think of the purpose of this blog.  I’m not sure I would have handled the event the same way last year.  Small differences in attitude, not just action can make a big difference.  I’m not saying that I’ve made big changes this year, but through the act of thinking about how to become a better husband/father, I seem to have put into place attitudes that have improved me as a husband/father.  I think this is very Zen, but to be honest, I’ve been so busy “doing it” that I haven’t had much time to think of “it”.  

 

FYI: I’m going to post my Yellow sash paper (Titled: “I am the Fat Kid”) because a guy I very much respect at my dojo asked to read it.  In the name of being thorough, I’ll also put my second yellow paper up tomorrow.

 

Yellow Sash Paper: “I am the Fat Kid”

I Am The Fat Kid

 

To sum up the reason I wish to practice Kung Fu and along the same lines, Tai Chi, I give you a simple sentence: I am the fat kid.  It’s ironic that the day before I was first asked to test for my yellow sash, Sifu Brown delivered a crushing lecture to us about that fat kid and him.  The root of the issue was we, the white sashes and above, had left a beginner standing.  He spoke from the heart about being a child and a teenager and being the last one picked during gym or recess for sports.  The two people being left standing were the fat kid and the boy who would become Sifu Brown.

 

I was the fat kid; I am the fat kid.

 

When I was younger, I loved the Kung Fu/Karate movies.  Martial Arts Theater, Bruce Lee, Bruce Li, Jackie Chan, and even Chuck Norris, I couldn’t get enough of them.  I would watch them over and over again sitting in my basement.  I would even practice the moves thinking that maybe, they would help me cut down my weight.  I wanted so much to learn the martial arts, because I thought if I did it would help me lose weight and possibly improve me in some fundamental way.

 

I was right, but in the wrong way.  I was very shy in school.  Generally I had my close group of friends, but I didn’t do well meeting new people.  This carried on from grade school to high school, and into college.  I had very little confidence and would barely attempt anything new. 

 

It could have gone this way for the rest of my life, except two things happened (none of which had anything to do with the martial arts, or so it seemed).  First, a man named Craig Vogel, who took a very shy person under his wing and introduced him to people.  He even encouraged me to work for the school, which ended up allowing me to pay for my last few years not to mention meet just about everyone at the school.  The next thing happened in my senior year.  I always loved dancing, but being shy, I was too nervous to do it alone; I still went out to certain dance clubs and danced, alone, in a dark corner.  So one day, I went out on my own to a dance club.  I was afraid to go out and dance on the crowded dance floor, and had decided, this was it, no more going out making a fool of myself in public.  I’m going to graduate and get a job, and stop this type of stuff.  I had turned around convinced I was going to leave never to return, and I ran into a friend from college.  Karl Pierre and his friends were out dancing.  I played volleyball with Karl, but didn’t know he liked to dance.  His group of friends had no problem going out to dance on their own or with their group.  I have to say, I attached myself to Karl.  I fed on that confidence he had.

 

Around this time, I went to dojo for the first time.  The dojo looked much different back then.  There was no lobby per say.  I remember walking in and being very scared, intimidated.  I was awkward, in poor shape, although I weighed much less than I had in high school or beginning college thanks to volleyball and consistent working out (and not having time to eat in my college and work life).  Still when I saw myself, I was fat and out of shape.  I practiced.  And upon leaving, I decided that I wouldn’t go back because: 1.) I needed to get in better shape;  2.) it was really expensive and I  make sure I had a consistent job; 3.) I didn’t like all the talk that Kung Fu was so much better than other forms of martial arts.  In other words, I made a ton of excuses.  I loved the class and the physical-ness of the practice.  I had plenty of money to afford the class.  And finally, I knew that one of the purposes of training is to get in better shape.  But I still walked out.

 

I am the fat kid. 

 

Looking back with 20/20 vision, I see it very clearly.  In the Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow wants a brain; the Tin Woodsman wants a heart; and the Lion wants courage.  The diploma, the ticking watch, and the medal didn’t really make a difference.  They had to face up to the fact that they were afraid, and then, acknowledging that fear, have the confidence to go on despite and in spite of that fear. 

 

I am still the fat kid, and perhaps that fear will stay with me no matter what I do.  It is quite possible that I will always live my life, hearing quiet laughter behind me when I dance or perform a hook kick.  I know that before I call someone I will always have to consciously force myself to pick up the phone and talk.  I know that meeting new people will always be difficult despite being the center of social focus for my group of friends.  I am still the fat kid.

But more importantly, I am much more.  I have not conquered my fears; I live with them and on day-to-day basis confront them.  Like everyone else in the world, I have daily struggles with the partners in my life, even if some of the “partners” are doubts deep with-in me.  I am more than the fat kid; I’m son, brother, friend and hopefully soon spouse.  I am a dear friend to many people playing at times confessor to people who needed to talk.  I am a physicist who works as an engineer.  And I am a practitioner of the martial arts.

 

Kung Fu or Tai Chi could have been a way to help me master my fears if I had stayed with it the first time I came through the dojo’s doors, but I didn’t and that time is gone, the man who came through those doors is still in me, but there is more to me now than then.  Now, I practice martial arts because I do have the confidence to put aside my doubts.  I loved the martial arts when I first saw the grace, power and fluidity that is possible from a human being.  Now though, what it means to me is Joe is afraid, and he still goes forward.  I still come into the Dojo.  I will not let fears stop me.  I admit that from time to time, like the before mentioned Tin Woodsman, my body needs some oil and rest to keep going, but fear does not stop me.  The fear of being left standing; the fear of falling; the fear of doing things wrong; the fear of the quiet laughter.  I am still the fat kid.  All of those fears still exist, but they will not stop me.  Life is too short and there are too many good things to find, especially in the dojo (and in myself).

 

I hope that when you read this, despite seeing “I am the fat kid” a lot, you will remember, that I am Joe, Just Joe, because while the fat kid is still there, I am much more.  In recent years this Joe has sang and played guitar in public.  He has made public presentations in front of hundreds of people.  He has played (and won) volleyball tournaments.  He has danced in clubs all around the world.  And finally, after many years, he has begun his studies of the martial arts.

 

HEROES (Part 1)

Excerpt from Rush’s “Nobody’s Hero”

 

I didn’t know the girl, but I knew her family; all their lives were shattered in a nightmare of brutality

They try to carry on, try to bear the agony, try to hold some faith in the

goodness of humanity

As the years went by, we drifted apart when I heard that she was gone I felt a shadow cross my heart

 

But she’s nobody’s hero

Is the voice of reason against the howling mob

Hero…is the pride of purpose in the unrewarding job

Hero…not the champion player who plays the perfect game

Hero…not the glamour boy who loves to sell his name

Everybody’s buying

Nobody’s hero

 

As the years went by, we drifted apart When I heard that you were gone I felt a shadow cross my heart

 

But he’s nobody’s hero, Saves a drowning child, Cures a wasting disease

Hero…lands the crippled airplane; solves great mysteries

Hero…not the handsome actor who plays a hero’s role

Hero…not the glamour girl who’d love to sell her soul

If anybody’s buying

Nobody’s hero

 

Recently (and I mean for the past year), I’ve been thinking a lot about heroes.  Maybe it’s because of the show “Hero” or maybe it’s because of the “anti-hero” culture we live in at this moment.  First of all, let me give you some history of me.  I collected comic books for many years.  I still admit to buying a graphic novel from time to time.  Currently, I’ve been reading the “Ultimates” a new series by Marvel which refreshes a lot of the big name titles of the “Marvel Universe”.   Which brings me to the point, I think the current culture in America and possibly the world is very Anti-Hero.  We’ve lost the belief that there is a hero, or that there is a benefit to believing in a hero.  The focus on making the hero into a “human”, bringing up all their down sides until you think that this person just rose above themselves in this one instance.  That doesn’t make for a very good role model, but it makes GREAT copy, as the news boys say.

 

Somewhere along the line, we started thinking star athletes were heroes.  Worse, we started to think that movie stars were heroes.  While I admire great skill in athletics, and I can understand wanting to be like them in that aspect, “hero” must be bigger than athletics.  It must be bigger than your career ambitions.

 

I believe in Hero Worship.  “Nobody’s Hero” isn’t about the anti-hero.  It’s about everybody being a hero.  It’s about focusing on the people who are heroes in the small way; recognizing the ideal in the details.  In truth, this song is old.  It predates this anti-hero culture I’ve seen so much of lately.  I wonder if Alex Lifeson (who I think wrote the lyrics, but I’m not sure, it might be Neil Peart) would agree with me on this.  When I hear this song, I hear him crying out that we’ve lost who is a hero and who is not.  I hear him say we need to find the hero in life and admire him for that.  Even if it’s just a guy who says sorry, or a person that believes despite their hardship, that their fellow man is good.  Sometimes, that’s heroic enough.